I feel like a part of me has been robbed of the true joy of motherhood. I spent my whole pregnancy worrying and not letting myself become to attached, for fear I would lose Brayden too. I thought that once he was born I would be able to take a deep breath and finally relax and enjoy finally having a baby in my arms. But that has not been the case. Every time I lay him down to sleep I fear he will not wake up. Sometimes at night I find it hard to sleep and lay staring at the video monitor watching him sleep. I know as a mom you worry about your child, yet I feel that my fears are multiplied by my past. I want to just enjoy being a mother. To not feel stressed when I lay Brayden down to sleep. To not have nightmares anymore, and to not feel panic in the middle of the night when I go in to check on him.
Being a mother to a Rainbow baby is not always easy. Having them was your biggest dream come true and at the same time they make your reality so much more real! Having Brayden makes me think of Evin more...Love Evin more, and wonder even more what he would have been like. Brayden has shown me what it is truly like to be a mom. Before I could only imagine ...now I KNOW! I wish so much that Evin and Brayden would have been able to play and grow up together. I know someday they will get to meet...and that will be the best day of my life. To have my family all together again, with no more reason to worry.
I worry about those same things. I feel that I am a terrible mom to McKenna because I am scared she will not come home I afraid to set up her room, buy anything, or even get attached to her. Not that it would hurt less if we did lose her too. I just pray everyday and night that we will get to bring her home.
ReplyDeleteMan Girl! My thoughts too. I honesty hate watching other peoples kids now because I keep thinking awww what if that were Annabelle.
ReplyDeleteI dread having to explain that sister died and when she asks how and I say in her sleep imagine the trouble I am going to have putting Ashley to sleep. I will say though the snuza monitor helps me sleep though. I'm not really useing my other one for porter anymore if you want you can borrow mine until braydon is older.