A new year...A new start....but Im not ready!

The start of a new year has always been a exciting time for me. I have always felt a great sense of newness and the ability to leave behind the past year and start anew. Although, this year cought me by surprise. I awoke on Dec. 31st with a sense of sadness. I was not ready for 2010 to end! And as the day went by I kept thinking of how many hours were left before I had to say good bye.
Leaving my past behind and starting fresh was usually a good thing, but you see this year there was part of my 2010 I was not ready to leave behind...Evin. He would forever be in 2010 as I was forced to move on.
A new year, a new start.... of course that's what I want. It's not that I have to let him go, but the ability to accept the things I can not change. To chose to continue to live my life to it's fullest and to go on making new memories. No matter how many years go by, he will always go with me in my heart and as a memory that I would not trade for the world.
I think about what I would do if I could go back in time and change things.... would I? Of course I would love to have my baby healthy and still with me today. But if he had to die... would I go back and never of had him exist? I would have to say no. He has taught me so much! My love is so much deeper, I appreciate the little things so much more, and Heaven is a richer and more longed for place. I cherish every move I remember him make, watching him grow, and hearing his heart beat! Not for a moment do I regret these things. If this is how it had to be... I would not change a thing. And I would do it all again for the love I feel today, and the shot at a second chance.

As Long As I Live You Will Live
As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered
As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved
...Author unknown