How Many Children Do You Have??

This is the dreaded question for mothers like me who have had to say goodbye to a baby (or Im sure a child of any age for that matter.) I always feel like a deer in the headlights when someone asks me this. And although it will always be a hard question to answer I feel I found some kind of balance or just a better understanding of how to not be taken so much off guard if the question was ever asked. I am going to share an email conversation I had with another mother who had lost 2 boys, born to soon. Her response to my struggle gave me some peace knowing that I was not betraying my Son if I chose not to mention his name.

Email from Me:

Yesterday I was watching my one year old niece for a bit and stopped by the post office to get our mail. I ran into someone that I have not seen for about 2 years and when he seen me with my niece he said " oh Erin, did you have a baby?"
It took me by surprises and kinda left me speechless. "well this is my niece...im babysitting".
But I did have a baby.. I AM a Mom!! I did not say that to him at the time.. i did not want to make him feel bad for asking. I mean I had not seen him for 2 years. But it makes me feel bad not to mention my baby boy. I dont want to say NO i did not have a baby and act like he did not exist. I want to mention his name I want people to know about him. I guess I just dont know how to talk about him and avoid all the pity or making people feel bad. I just want to feel like a normal mom.  

~Erin

Response From Katherine:

I have struggled with the same issue!  I'd have people ask me (before we had Hunter) if I had any children...and then after we had Hunter (they'd ask if he was our first child). It was so hard. I felt like I was betraying my other sons if I said anything that didn't acknowledge thier place in our lives. I spent a lot of time either explaining that we had lost 2 sons (and then feeling badly - knowing that person would be a bit shell shocked....and then worried that they may possibly say the WRONG thing) or I just would say nothing, then feel horrible afterwards. I think you'll have to find the right balance for you, about who you want to discuss it with or not. I found, that when I shared about our losses....that some folks were wonderful and understanding....and other times, folks would say things that just didn't help (and sometimes were unintentionally hurtfull). Someone mentioned to me the old adage about "throwing pearls before swine".  I really thought on it for a long time, and decided that my two boys are my pearls, and that it's ok NOT to share their story (and my journey) with everyone.  I preferred to say "we don't have any live children" (before Hunter was born)....and " he is our first live child" after he was born.  I feel OK with letting people chew on the statement, and they can ask if they want....and it gives me the peace of acknowledging our other sons (w/o opening a long conversation). But, that is what works for me - and everyone is different. I hope you can find, along the way, a balance between what feels right and having some privacy.  It's a hard process!!!!

~Katherine

Evin is my most precious pearl! And not everyone deserves the right to know about him. I love sharing his name and talking about him. But if for some reason I chose not to, I am not forgetting about him, or ackting like he did not exist, I am protecting him in the only way I know how!

Never Forgoten. Happy 1st Birthday Evin.

I have been thinking long and hard on what or how to write this time. How can you put into words the feelings that you have when you realize that it has been a year since you said goodbye to the most precious thing in the world to you. But before this month was up, I wanted to write something in memory of my baby boy, Evin Gabriel.
I still think about him all the time. The more time goes by the clearer it becomes to me that his memory, the connection I feel to him, and the love I have, will never go away... and if anything they only get stronger! I find myself wondering what he would have looked like... been like. His eyes, the color of his hair, his smile and baby laughs. Even with another baby on the way, I do not miss him any less. The pain I feel can't be healed by anything but Heaven. I will always be looking in his brother's eyes for little pieces of him.
I came across this the other day: "Maybe its not sadness we are feeling... but love! There is no getting over love." Usually sadness is something you "get over" a feeling that fades away with time. But having to say goodbye to your baby is something you will never get over, and the feelings never go away. Love is so strong...not even time can heal. 
So as I think upon this past year the sadness and even the joys, I want to thank God for being my strength.  For giving me an amazing husband who has wiped my tears and been strong for me when I had no strength left. For wonderful friends that were always there for me, And for bringing new people into my life who really know how I was feeling and we could be there for each other.  (Im so sorry you had to know how I felt, but I could never thank God enough for you). 
My life will never be the same. But if this is how it had to be... I would not change it for the world! I love being Evin's Mom. He has shown me a love I never know existed! 


Always Loved, NEVER Forgotten, 
Your Mommy

Evin's Memorial...

So we finally got Evin's Memorial brick in! So yesterday Devin and I went to place it in his special spot in the garden. Here are a few pictures. I cant wait to plant some flowers and make it look all pretty!

The Fountain in the garden.

Ivanya...

This little girl has helped me sooo much through everything! I enjoy so much having her on the weekends. I love her to death! Looking at her growing so big makes me truly happy. These are some pictures from 4th of July weekend. 

 Peek-A-Boo! :)

 Sneaking into the picture!

 The most beautiful smile I have ever seen!

 Who know grass could be so interesting!

 Picture time!

 Eating a pickle in the pool! Life could not get any better! lol

 Shish kabobs and crazy hair!

 Waiting for the Fireworks to start!

 Look at that!

 Crazy hair again! :)

 Having so much fun!

A good end to a fun weekend!

Facing My Future...

"No farewell words were spoken, no time to say goodbye, you were gone before we know it... and only God knows why"
~Author unknown 
This passed week has been very long and rough. Not only did I loses another pregnancy but I also realized that my path to parenthood would be much longer and harder than I ever could have imagined! 
Almost 2 weeks ago, on June 7th, I took a pregnancy test (well actually 3) and all came out BFP! My reaction at first was of mire terror.. and then some excitement. I enjoyed the knowledge of pregnancy for just over a week all the while trying not to over think it and totally freak out!
But on June 15th I started spotting, nothing bad, but enough to send me running to my Doctors office to get my blood levels checked. Later that evening I got the call from them saying that I was indeed pregnant but that my levels were very low, so I should come back 2 days later and have them rechecked. Friday evening after I had been back they called again with the results that my levels were dropping and that I was having an early miscarriage. This hurt... but I had already figured that the news would not be good. But what they said next scared me to death! "we are transferring you to the Fertility Doctors"
I know that things have not been easy... and certainly something is going on. But this made it real! This is not going to be an easy road!

What if trials in this life are your mercies in disguise...

A friend shared this song on FB today and I really like it. We may never know the mercies God shows towards us every day! And sometimes the hardest things in life are for a reason. When we lost Evin we picked his name before we left the hospital. We did not know the meaning of his name or that he had Down's Syndrome till days later. When I learned that his name meaning is "God is merciful" it really made me think of how much God is in control of everything.

Half a year...A letter to my baby boy.

My little Evin,
Today it has been six months since you came into this world... so very little and 4 months to soon. This is also the month your mommy and daddy got married one year ago! Seems hard to believe! So much has changed in the past year. In July, just 2 months after our wedding we learned that we were expecting you. I was sooo happy and looked forward to an exciting year. Time seemed to fly by as we watched you grow and got ready for your arrival.  We got a crib and other essential things for you and got your room ready. But there was one thing that I was waiting for...you. I could not wait to put the last touches on your room, so I was very excited when the day came that we would find out if you were a boy or a girl! Little did we know that you would be here so soon!
Six months ago today on November 2nd 2010, We said hello and goodbye at the same moment. Your little self came into this world weighing 11.7oz and just 7in long. But to me you were perfect! At that moment you made one of my biggest dreams come true... you made me a Mother, your mother! Even though it did not happen in the way I had ever imagined, I felt a love I never know excited. I miss you so much every min of every day... and yet I am so proud to be your mom! With you not here I feel something missing in my life. My arms may feel empty but my heart feels so much more full!
Last week we saw a great tragedy and devastation right here close to home. A lot of people lost loved ones and their homes. This made me think of how lucky you are to never have to know the pain and sadness of this world! Your life will start in heaven! How amazing that must be! You have been spared from this world. And even though I miss you so much and wish that you could be here, you are in the hands of God, resting till he comes. Mommy and Daddy miss and love you so much! Thank you for the little time you gave us to get to know and love you. I can't wait to hold you in heaven!
I'll always love you,
Mommy

Saying Goodbye Again.

On Feb. 28th we realized that we would have to say goodbye to another baby. This time at 7 weeks along, our baby had stopped growing. For the next 5 weeks I waited to start miscarrying... But nothing happened. At what should have been my 12th week of pregnancy I went in for another ultrasound and nothing much had really changed. So on April 4th I went in to have a D&C done, to remove the empty sac that was still inside of my womb.
Saying goodbye again was hard. It brought up a lot of feelings and sadness of losing Evin just 5 months ago. Instead of easing the pain and helping me heal with the hope of a second chance, we are faced with the reality once again that this is a sinful world. Im so glad that this world is not my home!
I am doing well as I recover from surgery. But my heart longs for the day I get to see my babies again!

Forever Changed

Losing a baby forever changes the way you look at pregnancy. I remember very well the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant with our first baby Evin. The shear joy I felt and long moments staring at the + test! Right away I started dreaming of baby names, cute little outfits and nursery room themes. I felt invincible.
But after losing Evin I got a huge perspective change. A + test does not guarantee a baby. Of course I always know this, but you never think something like that is going to happen to you.
3 months after losing Evin we decided that we would try again, or at least not try to prevent things. :) And just 3 weeks later on Super bowl Sunday we got a BFP! I was not sure how I was going to feel if I got a +. But I was pretty thrilled, and more excited than I thought I would have been. It felt like a second chance. Although this time around things were different. The excitement from getting a + test was short lived because I know all to well that this was no guarantee. For the next 4 weeks I was optimistic as I waited for my 6 week ultrasound to see if there was a heart beat.
I did not feel much emotion going in for my ultrasound today. I was secretly hopeful, yet very skeptical. When the ultrasound showed an empty sack I did not even feel surprised. Later when we talked to my Doctor I felt sad, and empty. As the evening has gone by I feel a greater loss and attachment than I ever thought I would. Its amazing how you can grow to love something so soon, even when your defenses are up.
I will always miss this baby that could have been and wonder what he/she would have been like. One thing I know is that my two special babies have forever changed me. They have given me a new out look on life and deeper appreciation for my feature children.

In God's Hands.

A picture my sister shared with me.

Still a Mother...

   I often feel like a deer caught in headlights when someone randomly asks me if I have any kids. I also watch my best friends little girl a lot and people (who think she is mine) will ask, "is she your first"?. It makes me wander what I will say one day when I do have another child of my own. What do you say to a question like that when you have a child that is no longer living. I go back and forth on not wanting to bring him up on the chance that they might feel bad, yet I long to give Evin the recognition he deserves. He was here and he is my child. For those of you who may struggle with the same thing, one of my friends (who also has suffered loss) said something that helped me a lot. "Someone mentioned to me the old adage about "throwing pearls before swine".  I really thought on it for a long time, and decided that my two boys are my pearls, and that it's ok NOT to share their story (and my journey) with everyone." Some people don't deserve to know about one of your most precious treasurers. This helped me feel more that I was protecting him then betraying him when I chose not to mention his name.
   I came a cross something a mother had written after losing a baby, and her longing to still be seen as a mother. I thought it was good, so I'll share. (sorry its a little spacey I could not get it to format right.)

On Mother’s Day, Let Me Be a Mother

By Becky Wilder

I read something the other day that struck me….

“If a woman loses her husband she is a widow. If a man loses his wife he is a widower. If a child loses its parents he or she is an orphan. There is no name for a parent who loses their child.” If I were to put a name to this loss based on what it makes me feel like, I, as a mother who lost her child, would be a "misfit mom.” That mother who doesn’t quite fit in with the rest on Mother’s Day.

With another Mother’s Day now looming on the horizon, I can’t help but reflect on the past six

Mother’s Days since finding out I was pregnant. Mother’s Day was pure joy the year I was

pregnant with my son Ian. I got my first Mother’s Day cards, and Ian’s father bought me a crib for

our son. So many wonderful things happened that year. I felt complete. For that brief period of

time, these things heightened my joy as an expectant mother. Then it all came crashing down, and I

became that indescribable something in the middle of the room that we all knew was there, yet

everyone was afraid to acknowledge.

I am no longer a fan of Mother’s Day. It’s not because I remember on that day what I lost. Trust

me, whether it’s Mother’s Day, Groundhog Day, or any given Tuesday, I always remember what I

lost. No, I don’t dislike Mother’s Day because I remember what I lost, I dislike Mother’s Day because

everyone else tries so hard to forget. I don’t fault them. How could I? How could they possibly know what to do? From society’s perspective, there is nothing worse than losing a child. It’s the unthinkable; certainly the

unspeakable. But there are realities attached to the loss that I wish I could help others understand.

For me, as a mother who lost my son, there is only one gift I want: Let me be a mother.

I don’t ever get the opportunity to feel like a normal mother. Ever. I can’t sit and talk with other

moms and laugh about the body changes and pains of pregnancy – I’ve tried. Every mother around

me looks down or looks away like I shouldn’t have brought it up. But I am a mother.

I don’t want to forget the birth of my child. Ever. I want to remember the few kicks I felt, the sound

of his heartbeat, and the sight of him sucking his thumb on the ultrasound. Being pregnant and

giving birth is the single greatest moment any woman ever gets in her life. I won’t be denied that. I

want to share my memories of pregnancy and childbirth with others. These are the precious few

moments of motherhood I was given. I don’t want anyone to rob me of them by pretending they

didn’t exist. On Mother’s Day, let me be a mother.

I don’t ever stop thinking about my child. Others think that if they bring him up, they are stirring up

feelings that I am not already having. On the contrary; it would mean everything to know that

others remember. I don’t want to forget Ian. He is a part of me – he is my very heart and soul, and while his loss was my greatest sorrow, that’s only because his life was my greatest joy; a joy I don’t ever want to lose.

I carried that little life. I loved him. I felt him move. I gave birth to him. He is my miracle. Yet

because he’s not here, I don’t get to be treated like other moms. People avoid wishing me a Happy

Mother’s Day, yet it’s something I need terribly. Every day of the year I feel like I don’t fit in as a

mom. Nothing would mean more to me than for Mother’s Day to be the one day of the year I can

celebrate motherhood too. I need that, yet I don’t know how to tell others. I don’t want them to feel

bad. I get why they don’t say anything, truly I do. But how I pray somehow they will find out what

I need, because my soul aches to share the day with other moms… to be celebrated as a mom…. to

share the joy and cheer of the day that I earned. My son isn’t here to make me Mother’s Day cards

in school. I’ll never hear the sound of his voice as he says “Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.”

Just this one day, celebrate with me. I need that more than I can say. If only people knew. Every

time they pretend that it didn’t happen, it takes away the only few moments of celebration I have.

The poem below was written by a mother who lost her child. It is the sentiment of every mom I

know who lost a child. This is what we need.

My Child’s Name

Author Unknown

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent, pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say “pretty good” or “fine.”
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

'In loving memory of" ....video.

So.... Last night I could not fall asleep. So I stayed up till 1am and made movie slide show of Evin's time here with us. I absolutly love the song i used, so am also going to post that video with the lyrics so that you can hear the whole song.

*"A New Day Has Come" by Celine Dion, Speaks of waiting for someone... sorrow...and being touched by an angel. And then the peace you feel from the memories of the boy. Yet then it also talks about a new day and hope of a better tomorrow.*  

Songs for a rough day...

Today has been a rough one. Not sure exactly why, but I have had Evin on my mind all day. These are a couple songs that I found when I first lost Evin that have helped me on many days. (These 2 songs come from Steven Curtis Chapman's CD "Beauty Will Rise"... actually the whole CD is very good. They are songs he wrote after losing his little girl.)

                                                                 Beauty Will Rise

                                                               Our God is in Control

A new year...A new start....but Im not ready!

The start of a new year has always been a exciting time for me. I have always felt a great sense of newness and the ability to leave behind the past year and start anew. Although, this year cought me by surprise. I awoke on Dec. 31st with a sense of sadness. I was not ready for 2010 to end! And as the day went by I kept thinking of how many hours were left before I had to say good bye.
Leaving my past behind and starting fresh was usually a good thing, but you see this year there was part of my 2010 I was not ready to leave behind...Evin. He would forever be in 2010 as I was forced to move on.
A new year, a new start.... of course that's what I want. It's not that I have to let him go, but the ability to accept the things I can not change. To chose to continue to live my life to it's fullest and to go on making new memories. No matter how many years go by, he will always go with me in my heart and as a memory that I would not trade for the world.
I think about what I would do if I could go back in time and change things.... would I? Of course I would love to have my baby healthy and still with me today. But if he had to die... would I go back and never of had him exist? I would have to say no. He has taught me so much! My love is so much deeper, I appreciate the little things so much more, and Heaven is a richer and more longed for place. I cherish every move I remember him make, watching him grow, and hearing his heart beat! Not for a moment do I regret these things. If this is how it had to be... I would not change a thing. And I would do it all again for the love I feel today, and the shot at a second chance.

As Long As I Live You Will Live
As Long As I Live You Will Be Remembered
As Long As I Live You Will Be Loved
...Author unknown