Losing a baby forever changes the way you look at pregnancy. I remember very well the way I felt when I found out I was pregnant with our first baby Evin. The shear joy I felt and long moments staring at the + test! Right away I started dreaming of baby names, cute little outfits and nursery room themes. I felt invincible.
But after losing Evin I got a huge perspective change. A + test does not guarantee a baby. Of course I always know this, but you never think something like that is going to happen to you.
3 months after losing Evin we decided that we would try again, or at least not try to prevent things. :) And just 3 weeks later on Super bowl Sunday we got a BFP! I was not sure how I was going to feel if I got a +. But I was pretty thrilled, and more excited than I thought I would have been. It felt like a second chance. Although this time around things were different. The excitement from getting a + test was short lived because I know all to well that this was no guarantee. For the next 4 weeks I was optimistic as I waited for my 6 week ultrasound to see if there was a heart beat.
I did not feel much emotion going in for my ultrasound today. I was secretly hopeful, yet very skeptical. When the ultrasound showed an empty sack I did not even feel surprised. Later when we talked to my Doctor I felt sad, and empty. As the evening has gone by I feel a greater loss and attachment than I ever thought I would. Its amazing how you can grow to love something so soon, even when your defenses are up.
I will always miss this baby that could have been and wonder what he/she would have been like. One thing I know is that my two special babies have forever changed me. They have given me a new out look on life and deeper appreciation for my feature children.
