Quotes that mean alot to me.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~author unknown

"How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On our hearts".
--Author Unknown

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

--Author Unknown

Before you were born I carried you under my heart. From the moment you arrived in this world until the moment I leave it, I will always carry you in my heart.
~ Mandy Harrison

“ I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable; and he is taken from me—yet in the agony of my spirit in surrendering such a treasure I feel a thousand times richer than if I had never possessed it.”
- William Wordsworth

My Child’s Name
Author Unknown
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
Don’t worry about making me cry.
I’m already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing the tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurt when you just keep silent, pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say “pretty good” or “fine.”
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Revelation 21:4 

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."

Just somethings I have thougth of since lossing Evin.

Its amazing sometimes how the little things in life work out....

1. We had to pick Evin's name before we left the hospital and so had no idea what his name meant. So one of the first things I did after getting home was to look it up. I did not know at the time that little Evin had Down's Syndrome and that he could have made it to birth, but of course with complications.  But since he didn't the meaning of his name is of great comfort to us. Evin: "God is merciful". God know what was best for our little boy.

2. I can't help but think it a little ironic that Evin's Due date was April 1st. (april fools day)


Im sure I'll end up adding more to this list at a later time.

Saying Hello and Goodbye...

Well, I have never had a blog before nor ever had any intentions of starting one...but you never know what life might throw at you and change your life forever.
As of Oct. 31st I was the happiest person alive, or so I felt. You see I was 20 weeks (5 months) pregnant with my first baby and was scheduled for a ultrasound, to determine the sex of my baby, for the next day. I had spent weeks passing by baby sections in stores wondering whether my baby was a boy or a girl and dreaming of what my life was becoming in just a few short months.
Monday morning, Nov.1st 2010 I was on cloud 9! The morning hours crept by as I anxiously awaited 1pm. I remember the drive to the clinic and the long wait in the waiting room...but everything else after that is kinda a blur and yet oh so real as if it had just happened today. Im going to do my best to describe what took place next.
I laid down on the exam table and cringed as the cold gel was squeezed onto my baby bump. And there for a moment I had the strange feeling that something was not going to be right. (maybe that was my bodies way of trying its best to prepare me for what was about to come). Then I saw it! My beautiful baby up on the big screen. He looked perfect and yet I realized that he also was very still...way to still. As the Ultrasound Tech focus over the chest I did not see a flickering heartbeat like I had the last time I saw him at just 6weeks. The Tech said "I'll be right back", and left the room. I looked over at my husband and said, "Something is not right..there is no heartbeat. I should be able to see a heartbeat!" He tried to tell me not to get ahead of myself. But I know I was right, even though I wanted to believe so bad that there was a chance I was wrong.
After what seemed like hours the Tech came back into the room with my Doctor in tow. My Doctor looked at the screen for a bit and then said the words I was so dreading, "Hun, there is no heartbeat, Im so sorry." Oh hearing that....words can not even describe! Of course I broke down into uncontrollable sobs and shakes. One of the things I have longed for most in my life was taken away... and I was far from ready to let go!  We were then given a moment alone.
We had to go see a specialist the same day so that I could get an Amniocentesis done so that hopefully they could find the cause for his untimely passing. After the Amnio was done I was told that I would have to be induced into labor and deliver my baby, because of how far along I was.
The drive home was the longest drive in my life! What had just happened, was I dreaming!? We stopped at Wal*mart on the way home to pick up the drugs I would take to put me into labor. We decided not to take the pills until the morning since it was late and I was in desperate need of some rest.
The next morning I awoke at 4:30am. For just a moment I thought it was all just a bad dream. But then I spotted the pills I needed to take sitting on my bedside table. "Why!!!... Why me? this really can't be happening!" I put off taking the pills till 6:30am... it was so hard taking the first dose. It felt like I myself was sealing my baby's fate. I would take a dose of the pills and it would send my into contractions for about 20min. and then 4 hours later I would do it again. At 2:30pm and the 3rd dose of pills my contractions did not stop this time, and for the next 3 hours got stronger and more regular. So at 5:30pm we packed up and headed to the hospital. By 6:30pm I was laying in the hospital bed and getting my IV's. For the next 2 hours I was in pain I did not know existed. My physical pain was so bad that my emotional pain was not there. At this time reality had not yet set in, it was still like a dream. Nov.2nd @ 8:39pm my baby boy made his entrance into the world. Weighing in at 11.2 oz... 7in long and 4 months to soon.
The next 20 hours at the hospital we were visited by specialist Doctors and a bereavement counselor. And yet it was all still so strange to me. We chose to name him Evin Gabriel. We chose the name Evin as it is a mixture between my name Erin and my husband's Devin. The name  Evin means "God is merciful" which we would later learn means a lot to our situation. And Gabriel "God is my strength". 
Evin's perfect little foot print:

We found out later that our baby boy had Down's Syndrome and that he had developed Hydrops (extensive swelling especially around his head and chest.) This swelling was to much strain on his little heart. Something I did not know is that only about 50% of babies that have Down's make it to birth.